bad karma???

So not even 24 hours after I started thinking about how to cheat on my boyfriend, we get word that one of his daughter's mothers, who is dying of cancer, is getting worse. 4 months ago she was given 6 months to live and after today they don't feel comfortable giving any time line for living. So now we are trying to plan a way to get him to Florida to see her and their daughter before she passes. They all need some time to get some peace with everything. And even though it's an awful situation, I keep thinking how it leaves me open to have him come over any night. I feel awful about even thinking about it. But he gives me a whole refreshed energy and I'm more active, happier and just generally a better person. It even makes me a better more loving boyfriend. Not fake like when I was cheated on, I could smell the fakeness.
I just wish I could have my cake and eat it too.

naughty

That's what I am. Sitting here trying to figure out a way to go out some night so I can meet him. I kept my will power all day until Pete called and said that he was off work already, that's when I called him quick before he got home, more because I was worried that he would call me later. He told me he was over and Tanner and Heath's. Which was strange for him for 2 reasons. 1. He rarely answers his phone with his buddies, at least never after only 2 rings. 2. He actually told me where he was, names. Saddest part is that if we still lived in the apartment, I would've at least seen him...

He was wondering if I was gonna go out after he got home. I told him that I have to figure out a way out, he told me to call him. Up, I'm naughty.

a call

So, I've been spending all this time trying to work him out of my system and every day it gets a little easier. Just blocked him on fb so I couldn't look him up and stare at his picture. Then as I'm walking outside on my break this morning, I think to myself, "yep, at rock bottom, he's gonna call". I take out my phone and have 2 missed calls, one from a number I don't know. Nervously I called the number back, expecting it to be a bill collector, I have the phone half off my year so I hang up cuz no one was answering, then there was his voice saying hello. He drives me crazy! He told me that was his new number, a disposable phone and he was back in town. Told me to call him tonight and he'd make puddles. All day I was just happy. I told a few people that he called, without getting detailed, just needed to say it out loud. But I was surprisingly not as crazy about him as I normally am. Maybe I'm starting to get it under control? I was wondering how long he'd been back and where he's living. So tonight I called him when I put Kat to bed and he was doing something with his U-Haul which makes me believe that he just got to town. Which makes me wonder why he called me as soon as he got back to town. He told me he would call when he was done with that, I told him I had to pick Pete up at midnight. So at 10:30 when he still hadn't called I called him and told him that I think he just likes to torture me. He said no, he liked to make puddles sometimes. He was stuck where ever he was cuz his car is in the shop. So he said he'd get a hold of me tomorrow. I don't even know how I'm gonna be about it. Like will I be my standard freak out, checking my phone every chance I get? Or will I actually be cool and not blow his phone up when he doesn't call me? I hope that I can be non crazy and be cool about the whole thing.

But really, I think that right now I'll be okay. But once I see him, all bets are off. Just hearing his voice makes me all wet. Can't wait to see what's gonna happen...

not what I meant for this to be

So I started this blog to follow the progress of my new business and how I went from poor, can't even live paycheck to paycheck to someone who was earning money and helping others. It has since become a place for me to talk about the one person who completely consumes me. Even after years of run around, other relationships and heartache, he still drives me krazee. But now, after all this time, ever getting to talk to him again lays solely in his hands or up to fate. I finally blocked him on fb so I can't go looking for him, just trying to rid myself of him. But I still want him.

My boyfriend is a lazy piece of shit. I can't believe that he doesn't think that he needs to find a new job! I bring in the biggest paycheck and child support. We barley live paycheck to paycheck as it is. Apparently he thinks that since he actually works, unlike his brother, that's good enough. But it's not good enough. I would be okay being the 'bread winner' if he was at least working full time. He seems to think that it's okay not too live better than we are, cuz we are living better than we were. He is gonna know very soon that if he thinks it's okay to live like this and 'support' the real estate business doesn't mean that I'm gonna let him spend my money. I'm tired of him living off me. I love him and want to be with him. But I can't stay with someone who is only ok with doing as little as he has to.

where I'm at

I don't understand why he won't talk to me. I wish he would just say ANYTHING to me. It's just driving me crazy.
The other day I saw a saying on fb, something like, if you want to know where your heart is, look where your heart goes, something like that. But it rang so true to me when it comes to him. He's always on my mind.
I'm so unhappy. I think it's 90% Tori, 7% Pete and 3% my own mind. I love Tori and all, but I'm ready for her to go live in PA again or for the 2 of them to get a place of their own. I suggested it to Pete once that we live separate, but he didn't like the idea at all. I know he didn't like it cuz he would have to do all the work and take care of things all on his own. I think that I'm going to start counciling  now that I have insurance. Need to figure out why I'm so tired and unmotivated. I feel like I'm what's holding our business back. Have to get it going, want it and am so ready for it. Just don't understand why I don't let that take over and actually work on it, instead I always say 'tomorrow'.

Then today I saw a baby who has downs syndrome and then had some breathing problems too cuz it had oxygen. Seeing the baby and it's family made me thank God and remember how much I love my family and how lucky I am. I thank God every day for my family and the life I have!

haunted

You might think that I'd be haunted by Tina or Jeremy or the fact that I cheated on Pete with not just Chris but with his own brother! But none of them haunt me, Chris is all that haunts me. I still question so many things. So many of his actions don't jive with his words. I still think of him all the time and just want to see him again. I miss him so much! I just want to go back to the way things were when Pete and I were seperated. I'm not completly stupid, I know that if Pete hadn't moved back in things wouldn't have continued on the way they were going. I know that he would've moved on or Roger and I would've become more serious or something. But it never ever would've ended with me and Chris.

I was so happy with him, they way we were together and how we were with each other.

I just want to experience what that was like again.

gut instinct

I just feel like he is hiding something again. Calling into working, hooking up with Christy, something. I don't know what it is. Then after this morning I really feel it. He's such an ass, accusing me of hooking up with someone because I took a shower! That's the whole reason that I quit taking care of myself, because I knew he would accuse me of freshening up for someone else.

UUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1