I just feel like he is hiding something again. Calling into working, hooking up with Christy, something. I don't know what it is. Then after this morning I really feel it. He's such an ass, accusing me of hooking up with someone because I took a shower! That's the whole reason that I quit taking care of myself, because I knew he would accuse me of freshening up for someone else.
UUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
refocused
I need to be refocused. I'm straying at 'taking action'! I've just been distracted by life. I'm just so exhausted at the end of the day that I just want to relax. Yet I know if I push myself that I have it in me to keep going. I just dont sleep well and I'm always so tired.
I know my relationship is a huge, HUGE part of it. I have just a little bit of a rotten feeling about him and Christy again. I need to look at his phone more closely tonight. So far I have been proven wrong, but there's still something not right. The only reason that I can logiclly think of for her to have blocked me, is that somehow she saw who was veiwing her page and blocked me. But it seems so unlikely.
I want so much for our future, but my favorite dream is that we are indepentaly strong and live apart, but still live as a family, still doing stuff together and living our lives apart. But he's too ignorant for that to ever happen.
I just wish I could have the strength to even talk to him about it. I just know him and how he will react.
I know my relationship is a huge, HUGE part of it. I have just a little bit of a rotten feeling about him and Christy again. I need to look at his phone more closely tonight. So far I have been proven wrong, but there's still something not right. The only reason that I can logiclly think of for her to have blocked me, is that somehow she saw who was veiwing her page and blocked me. But it seems so unlikely.
I want so much for our future, but my favorite dream is that we are indepentaly strong and live apart, but still live as a family, still doing stuff together and living our lives apart. But he's too ignorant for that to ever happen.
I just wish I could have the strength to even talk to him about it. I just know him and how he will react.
Monday, November 21, 2011
on the fence
That's exactly where I've been sitting, with a post shoved up my ass!
Most days he is great. Has changed so much. But then things like this morning happen and I'm picturing m kicking his ass out!
I've had Roger on my mind all day, Chris too. They just make me happy and I don't think either one of them would call my son that.
The fact that I didn't say anything makes me feel like a mom who let's her boyfriend beat up her kids.
Most days he is great. Has changed so much. But then things like this morning happen and I'm picturing m kicking his ass out!
I've had Roger on my mind all day, Chris too. They just make me happy and I don't think either one of them would call my son that.
The fact that I didn't say anything makes me feel like a mom who let's her boyfriend beat up her kids.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
amazing
I love Pete, I will never stop. But how I feel in the moment and day, the strength of that attraction has a very unusual point of variation, Chris and sometimes Roger. Whenever I talk to Chris, I'm more open to Pete being close to me, sexually. At first I thought it was a guilty conscience. But after the last two days, it's when I can talk to him and Pete knows and is okay with it. It always means that he is in need of some green, but oh well, it gives me a chance to talk to Chris.
Now I'm still really hurt by Chris living with another chick, but I always knew I would never be his main gf, I still don't openly admit that I was one of his 'girlfriends'. I know he probably was as focused on all his girlfriends as he was me, but sometimes it was just a bit much to make me just another one. I miss him so much and wish that things had turned out differently sometimes. Meaning, what would've happened if Pete hadn't come back? But I'm 99% sure that Chris would've hurt me long ago if Pete hadn't come back to me. I need to tell you more about Chris. That is coming soon.
Now I'm still really hurt by Chris living with another chick, but I always knew I would never be his main gf, I still don't openly admit that I was one of his 'girlfriends'. I know he probably was as focused on all his girlfriends as he was me, but sometimes it was just a bit much to make me just another one. I miss him so much and wish that things had turned out differently sometimes. Meaning, what would've happened if Pete hadn't come back? But I'm 99% sure that Chris would've hurt me long ago if Pete hadn't come back to me. I need to tell you more about Chris. That is coming soon.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
conflicted
Every day that goes by, I feel more and more conflicted about the status of my relationship. Between the feelings I still have about last year and the day to day things I'm seriously ready to let him go.
Sunday night he went off over nothing, seriously, don't even remember what started it. He accused me of quitting my job at the daycare, even though he told me several times before I was fired that he would completely understand if I did quit and would support me. Not to mention that I wouldn't have gotten unemployment if I had quit! What a fucking jack ass!!!! Then he went on to accuse me of still talking to Roger and telling me that my real estate stuff was a joke and a waste of time. He started the whole thing by saying he was ready to leave, run away from me and our family. I told him that I was right there with him, but running the opposite way. I didn't do any begging or crying for him to stay. He told me that he was planning on leaving me while I'm in Vegas. I told him to go for it. I did cry, but only because I really do love him and don't want to break up on bad terms. I just don't think he knows how to civil. That he doesn't think it's possible to have a mutual break up and to be on good terms with the other person.
Every day there is something that pisses me off, rubs me the wrong way or just shows how he hasn't changed one little bit. He constantly thinks that I'm cheating on him.
Sunday night he went off over nothing, seriously, don't even remember what started it. He accused me of quitting my job at the daycare, even though he told me several times before I was fired that he would completely understand if I did quit and would support me. Not to mention that I wouldn't have gotten unemployment if I had quit! What a fucking jack ass!!!! Then he went on to accuse me of still talking to Roger and telling me that my real estate stuff was a joke and a waste of time. He started the whole thing by saying he was ready to leave, run away from me and our family. I told him that I was right there with him, but running the opposite way. I didn't do any begging or crying for him to stay. He told me that he was planning on leaving me while I'm in Vegas. I told him to go for it. I did cry, but only because I really do love him and don't want to break up on bad terms. I just don't think he knows how to civil. That he doesn't think it's possible to have a mutual break up and to be on good terms with the other person.
Every day there is something that pisses me off, rubs me the wrong way or just shows how he hasn't changed one little bit. He constantly thinks that I'm cheating on him.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Emotional fight
I'm still trying to figure out all my feelings and emotions when it comes to Pete. At one time I would've told you that he is the love of my life and I want no one but him. Then when all the shit happened last year and we were broken up for a while, I found ME again. I realized how much I love ME and how much I missed being ME. I also had a really deep bond with Chris and Roger. It was a different form of love with both of them. They were both just people that helped me feel alive and how special I am.
Then after Pete and I got back together I've had a constant emotional battle. I don't want to quit being myself, but many days I have a reminder of how he kills that part of me.
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