on the fence

That's exactly where I've been sitting, with a post shoved up my ass!

Most days he is great. Has changed so much. But then things like this morning happen and I'm picturing m kicking his ass out!

I've had Roger on my mind all day, Chris too. They just make  me happy and I don't think either one of them would call my son that.

The fact that I didn't say anything makes me feel like a mom who let's her boyfriend beat up her kids.

amazing

I love Pete, I will never stop. But how I feel in the moment and day, the strength of that attraction has a very unusual point of variation, Chris and sometimes Roger. Whenever I talk to Chris, I'm more open to Pete being close to me, sexually. At first I thought it was a guilty conscience. But after the last two days, it's when I can talk to him and Pete knows and is okay with it. It always means that he is in need of some green, but oh well, it gives me a chance to talk to Chris.

Now I'm still really hurt by Chris living with another chick, but I always knew I would never be his main gf, I still don't openly admit that I was one of his 'girlfriends'. I know he probably was as focused on all his girlfriends as he was me, but sometimes it was just a bit much to make me just another one. I miss him so much and wish that things had turned out differently sometimes. Meaning, what would've happened if Pete hadn't come back? But I'm 99% sure that Chris would've hurt me long ago if Pete hadn't come back to me. I need to tell you more about Chris. That is coming soon.

conflicted

Every day that goes by, I feel more and more conflicted about the status of my relationship. Between the feelings I still have about last year and the day to day things I'm seriously ready to let him go.

Sunday night he went off over nothing, seriously, don't even remember what started it. He accused me of quitting my job at the daycare, even though he told me several times before I was fired that he would completely understand if I did quit and would support me. Not to mention that I wouldn't have gotten unemployment if I had quit! What a fucking jack ass!!!! Then he went on to accuse me of still talking to Roger and telling me that my real estate stuff was a joke and a waste of time. He started the whole thing by saying he was ready to leave, run away from me and our family. I told him that I was right there with him, but running the opposite way. I didn't do any begging or crying for him to stay. He told me that he was planning on leaving me while I'm in Vegas. I told him to go for it. I did cry, but only because I really do love him and don't want to break up on bad terms. I just don't think he knows how to civil. That he doesn't think it's possible to have a mutual break up and to be on good terms with the other person.

Every day there is something that pisses me off, rubs me the wrong way or just shows how he hasn't changed one little bit. He constantly thinks that I'm cheating on him.

Emotional fight

I'm still trying to figure out all my feelings and emotions when it comes to Pete. At one time I would've told you that he is the love of my life and I want no one but him. Then when all the shit happened last year and we were broken up for a while, I found ME again. I realized how much I love ME and how much I missed being ME. I also had a really deep bond with Chris and Roger. It was a different form of love with both of them. They were both just people that helped me feel alive and how special I am.

Then after Pete and I got back together I've had a constant emotional battle. I don't want to quit being myself, but many days I have a reminder of how he kills that part of me.

It's my life

So tonight my kitchen sink backed up because my garbage disposal is clogged. My landlord who hates me cuz we are always late with rent and brought bed bugs into his building is now working on it. Then some hose in the van came undone and won't stay fixed long enough for us to get paid!

It's seriously one thing after another. I keep trying to just chug forward, but it gets harder and harder every day. For so long things went well, or at least nothing breaking and no crisis'. I don't know what it all means. What we are supposed to do. I don't know what God is trying to tell me.

When this real estate thing came along it seemed like God was throwing it my face and then my mom's as well. Like it was meant to be. But why would something that is meant to be have so many obstacles just to be able to work on it. Or is it punishment for not making good use of the time I had to work on it.

I just want a good life for my kids. I want to be happy and spend time with them. I want them to have a life I could only dream about. I know I can do whatever it takes, so why is so hard to do it?

I'm so depressed lately, I don't know why. I was so sad all day today for no reason what so ever. I just can't shake it. I don't think it has anything to do with Pete, but sometimes I do wonder...

Ignorance is bliss?

So one old man living in our apartment building found out we have bed bugs, only cuz we have been throwing out our beds and couch by the dumpster, which is next to his garage. He's been calling the landlord to have him remove our things. Yesterday morning he went off on Pete about us putting our things there. Then yesterday afternoon we found out that he was telling our neighbors not to let their kids play with ours because we are dirty and have bed bugs. So far it seems that it's not keeping other kids from playing with ours, but I'm very concerned about what people think of me and my kids.

I realize this old man has nothing better to do than talk poorly about us, but does he not realize how telling people that could effect our kids who are innocent in all this?

Some of my insecurities about it is that it'll get back to Chris. I don't want him to know we have them. I'm also worried about what's gonna happen when our lease is up at the end of the month. We've not been the best to Dallas, but we also have no where to go. I'm also concerned cuz Chris did give me a good reference to Dallas so I could move in. So much on my mind, I'm just ready to have my life go right, al least for a little while.

still bugging out...

It's been a crazy busy week. Haven't gotten hardly any cleaning done, but I have Monday off and will be doing massive amounts of cleaning while I have the house to myself. These things are nasty! We finally through Aric's bed away and it was so disgusting, bugs everywhere!

Yesterday I decided to take a 48 hour break from the real estate business. I just needed time to think and come back at everything with a clear mind.

So many things are going on, I don't know what path I'm supposed to be on, but I'm trying to find it.